In recognition of National Infertility Awareness Week, I thought it was important to share my story below. Miscarriage, infertility, IVF, IUI, needles, blood work, ultrasounds and schedules are a constant on this crazy rollercoaster so many of us can’t get off. I hope the words below provide some solace to other families and they know there is solidarity in our journey.
Last week I was pregnant. I was groaning about the decaf coffee, craving wine, sneaking naps in during Mickey Mouse reruns with my toddler and basking in the first-trimester glow. Last week I was pregnant, and I was so excited because my cousin is pregnant, three of my best friends are pregnant, and I was too! Last week I was pregnant, and now I’m not.
I can recall friends talking about miscarriage, and I felt awful for them and their journey. It made me sad to think about, but hearing it, I kept saying to myself, “it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It happens.” Well ya, it does, and now its happened to me.
The Big M
I don’t even know where to start. I am laying on the bed in the ultrasound room fully expecting to be hearing a baby’s heartbeat, and all I hear is silence. Everyone is silent, except for me, who is uncontrollably crying. I don’t hide my emotions well, and I knew what I was looking at as soon as the ultrasound began. My fertility doctor just continued to study the ultrasound and then came those words no one ever wants to hear, “I’m so sorry, but it appears you have had a miscarriage.”
As the doctor continued his full examination I began to rack my brain with questions. I am as type A as they come and I wanted answers. I want to know why, how, was it something I did? Was it that run I took yesterday? Or did I overuse the Icy Hot on my back last week? What did I do to cause this miscarriage? My husband squeezed my hand and the tears just continued to flow.
The short answer to all my many questions was, we don’t know. I still had to let the miscarriage happen before more testing could begin. After a short consultation, I left with the instructions to take this medication and wait. Fantastic. And as luck would have it…it didn’t work. My options were zero at this point. It was time for a D&C capping off the worst week I could ever imagine.
This whole process is an emotional rollercoaster. I am a week beyond my surgery and I haven’t made it more than 24 hours without crying. My hormones are raging. Shoot, my body still thought it was pregnant for much of the last week. But I wasn’t and I’m not. I keep apologizing to my husband, feeling so guilty for not being able to provide a home for our future baby. I try to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t a healthy pregnancy, but that offers little solace at this point.
I honestly don’t even know where to go from here. I’m in fertility limbo. What next? What can I do to move forward after a miscarriage and when I do finally get pregnant (and I will) will this happen again? I try not to go there, but I am confident I’m not the only one with those thoughts.
So little by little, I am moving forward. I am drinking good coffee and wine. I’m eating my body weight in sushi and going in as many hot tubs as possible. If there was a way to move forward after a miscarriage, I am trying it. My husband is the world’s most amazing support system. I sometimes have to check in with him too, this wasn’t just my loss, it was ours. I hug my three-year-old extra tight too because he is a firm reminder of what love can do. My friends and family have stepped up as well, no questions, just love. And yet, I still feel like something is missing. You see I was pregnant last week and now I’m not.