I always feel like I have this tremendous amount of weight upon my shoulders and I can’t shake it off. The girls’ schedules, meals, snacks, toys, and bedtimes. Followed by household chores, laundry, bills, doctor appointments, and so on. Let’s not forget the invisible list of anticipating everyone’s needs, thinking about my own self-care, and dealing with everyone’s criticism. This is the load of motherhood.
I can’t balance it all and I just fall apart. I have a mental breakdown and lose all motivation. It’s like I hit a wall and it is taking me a while to get back up. I lack the energy to be present for my family and I lack the inspiration to do a good job for work. Although I keep showing up, it’s like the lights are on but no one is inside.
At the end of the day, I’m so exhausted trying to take care of everyone that I don’t have enough energy to focus on myself and my needs. I could work out or I could organize a few things. But then I utilize bedtime to watch reality tv and stay up longer than I should because it’s the only time the house is quiet.
Then thoughts of what I did wrong that day fill my head: I let my two-year-old watch tv more than what’s recommended. I lost my patience quickly and I raised my voice when it was not needed. I put the baby down to cry and I walked away because I couldn’t figure out what she wanted. I didn’t read enough to my daughters or divide my time equally between them both. Why can’t I balance it all?
I let out a good cry because I’m so tired and wish I did things better. Why am I so critical of myself? I can argue it stems from childhood striving to be perfect and getting good grades. And now? I just want my kids to be better, kinder, and stronger.
No matter how hard I try to give myself a break, I just can’t. Yet, I try so hard to let moms know perfection isn’t a reality for moms. So why can’t I take my own advice? Some days are worse than others but I truly think the pandemic has made everything worse for mothers. Maybe we, as mothers, should be giving ourselves some grace.
The load of motherhood can be really heavy. The invisible list keeps getting longer and my girls are getting bigger. I’m scared I’ll miss special moments because I’m busy working behind the scenes. I feel like a bad mom most days, but on other days I feel just enough. And maybe that’s what we as mothers should be striving for. Just enough.