The Crazy Things I Do Before My OB/GYN Visit

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ObgynOh, the dreaded but necessary visit to the OB/GYN.

The place where all my lady parts are exposed in the most unflattering light. With cold tables, paper gowns with a lap cloth that never seems to cover anything, and the ever-popular question: do I leave my socks on? I’m always cold and nervous.

The amount of prep I do before the visit is a more extensive process than I did on my wedding day. I shave everywhere and everything but in a way that I still come across as a respectable woman. I don’t have sex the night before because I would just DIE if my doctor gave me a side-eye knowing I had a fun sex-filled night before my checkup. YIKES. I take a long bath right before. You know, the type of bath where you can hear Enya playing in the background. I paint my toes just in case and get ready as if I’m going on an interview.

Why do I do this all for a doctor’s visit?

It’s silly, I know, but going to the OBGYN always makes me nervous. I walk in and get undressed and stare at the table with all the lube, metal-looking utensils, and scrapey Q-tip thing. I take a deep breath and wonder why I wore my cute undies. They won’t see them. Ugh. I see a tub of what looks like baby wipes. Ok, let’s use that for a bit of a fresh up. NOPE. That burns! What is that? Oh, it’s tool sanitizing cloths. That really burns! Yikes! Fan it off. Just keep fanning, just keep fanning. Great, I’m sweating now. Why did I do that?

My doctor walks in and I answer each question as if I have all the energy in the world. It’s like an interview and I want the job. She has me lay back and says: “Scoot forward.” “Keep scooting,” I scream in my head, I AM SCOOTING, OK!?!

Now the hard part. I lie back and put my feet in the super cold stirrups. Why can’t they put some nice artwork or encouraging sayings on the ceiling? I would like to look at something pleasant while you are smashing my ovaries. Ok, my doctor is done. It was quick. Phew. Why do I always want to hug her when she is done?? I put my clothes back on and take myself out for ice cream.

I say all of this to make light of all the things we women go through to remain healthy and to remind us all that we need to get checkups. It’s a part of our self-care. Know that you are not alone in your feelings and that I have nothing but gratitude for our OBGYN’s. They are on the front lines of all things woman. They help us deliver babies, help us understand our emotions and so much more. I am grateful for them but not a big fan of the process. So, get your ob/gyn checkup ladies, and then go out for ice cream.